What Job Adverts Really Mean

Every consultant has read dozens of job adverts. After a while, the language starts to reveal itself. Here is a plain-English translation of the most common clichés — for permanent roles and contracts alike.

Consider this a public service 😉

What they say	What they mean
Although we would love to respond to all applicants…	We can’t be bothered to send everyone a personalised rejection email.
Competitive salary	We’ll pay you as little as we can get away with.
Salary £30,000–£35,000 depending on experience	Salary £30,000.
Please include a detailed salary history	We don’t know what we should pay — but whatever you’ve been earning, we’ll aim lower.
Fantastic track record	Don’t bother applying if you’ve ever been sacked or have gaps on your CV.
Resilient	You’re not going to cry when we tell you off, are you?
An entrepreneurial spirit	We need you to practically run the company.
High achiever, driven to succeed	Expect to work long hours, sometimes at your own expense, with no work-life balance.
Fast-paced, dynamic environment	We did no planning, don’t know what the final product should be, and needed it yesterday.
Able to exhibit a good sense of humour	We don’t want anyone who’s offended by crude jokes and inappropriate conversations.
This is a great opportunity…	This is an average opportunity — but do you want the job or not?
Duties may vary	Fifty percent of the job is what it says here. The other fifty percent is a surprise.
Extremely hard-working	We’re going to work your fingers to the bone.
Our mission is to [some touchy-feely, ethical cause]	Our mission is to make as much money as possible, as quickly as possible.
Able to manage their own time	We’ll set deadlines. You’ll meet them. Or else.
Genuinely committed to the role	The last ten people left within twelve months.
Professional	Get the job done quietly, without causing trouble, whilst wearing a suit.
Proactive	Should you need us, our door will always be shut.
Detail-oriented	Nobody is going to check your work — so the pressure is entirely on you.
A fast-growing company	There are currently two of us.
Lots of perks and benefits	We offer some benefits to compensate for the terrible job, company, and hours.
All we ask from you is…	…if you’d just like to sign over your soul, right here.
Within walking distance of public transport	You’ll enjoy your 45-minute walk along the main road.
Hit the ground running	Don’t expect training. We’re months behind and want someone with no personal life to pick up the slack. Expect to get blamed.
A team player	Are you someone we’ll actually get along with?
Our business is very customer-focused	If we had to save you or the customer from an avalanche, we’d save the customer.
Good leadership skills desired	You’ll be doing a manager’s job without the manager’s salary.
Able to think outside the box	Nothing has worked so far — maybe you can fix us.
Passionate and enthusiastic	You’ll need it, because this job is extraordinarily boring.
Happy to work in a fast-paced environment	Get ready to be thrown in at the deep end — training is for wimps.
Great organisational skills	Our team is chaotic — please fix them.
Good communication skills	The ability not to irritate everyone would be wonderful.
The ability to multitask	You’ll be doing three people’s jobs. We’ll pay you for one.
Flexible	You’ll be working strange hours and doing strange things.
Dynamic	We don’t know what this means, but it sounds impressive.
A self-starter	We want someone who does exactly what we want, when we want, without being told.
A fast learner	We don’t have the budget to train anyone.
Highly driven	Will work extra hours for no extra money.
You’ll be joining a fun, creative, vibrant team	Non-hipsters need not apply.
A relaxed environment	You can wear shorts on dress-down Friday — that’s the extent of it.

If you have a favourite that’s missing, add it to the forum.